I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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