Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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