My nipple is on Facebook.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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