i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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