It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
