So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
