I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
