I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
