You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
