Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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