I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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