I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
