Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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