just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
