Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If its not for food we ain't going out.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
