you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
