So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
