Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
