Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
