Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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