Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
