You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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