Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
