the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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