Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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