Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Houston, we have a squirter
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
