hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
