i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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