so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
