How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
