By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
