Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
