I think my fart just growled at me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
