my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
