Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
