Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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