what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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