I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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