remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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