Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
