apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
