She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
