I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
