He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
