I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
