dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
