I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
