you guys were way drunker than both of me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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