are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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