I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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