I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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